A new offense? Les meant what he said. . . just not now

Published 6:43 am Monday, December 28, 2015

HOUSTON — The anticipation is killing you, huh?

It’s been a little over a month now since LSU’s Les Miles promised — well, sort of hinted, anyway — that he’d finally seen the light and that the Tigers’ horse-and-buggy offense was ready to join the current century with all the bells and whistles.

So here we are on the eve of the Advocare Texas Bowl, which promises to be one last Christmas present wrapped up in purple and gold. You’ll go to bed tonight with visions of precise forward passes and end-arounds dancing in your head, maybe even daring to imagine tight ends in the passing game.

It will take some getting used to, so I’m here for you, ready to guide you through the tricky conversion.

Q: So what’s it going to look like?

A: Tuesday night, you mean? This game? Oh, not much. Not now. It’s probably going to look a whole lot like the last time you saw it against Texas A&M. They’re going to run Leonard Fournette until his wheels fall off.

Q: So it was all a sham? Miles will never change.

A: No, it’s coming. Really, I think he meant it. Those last two weeks of the season was a near-religious experience for him. He saw the light, if he hadn’t already.

Q: Well, when, then?

A: The think tank is probably already at work. Tests are being run. Prototypes may already be on the test track. There may have been plans originally to get some bits and new pieces in place for this bowl game.

Q: So they chickened out? I knew it.

A: No, not exactly.

Q: Well what happened?

A: The bowl pairings happened.

Q: Texas Tech?

A: Yeah.

Q: And Miles had a relapse?

A: Did I mention that Miles was spotted wearing a cowboy hat Saturday night?

Q: Well, he IS the Mad Hatter. But what’s that got to do anything?

A: Nothing. Just that … Nick Saban would never let anybody put a cowboy hat on that coif of his.

Q: Sounds like pure Uncle Les to me.

A: Trust me, he doesn’t need to be seen wearing one of those things.

Q: But the offense, when ….

A: It seems that LSU, with exactly two players who admitted to any appreciable time atop a horse before arriving here, won the bowl’s yee-haw rodeo competition Saturday night against a Red Raider team from West Texas whose mascot rides a full-blooded quarter horse.

Q: The offense, the offense?

A: Oh, yeah. That. My guess is that Miles had good intentions. Fully expected to jazz things up after the regular season. Maybe even for the bowl.

Q: But didn’t Miles say that night after his stay of execution that “the motor appears to be pretty stinking strong.”?

A: Sure. He was even a little defiant. And for one more year at least, LSU’s offense will always be centered around Fournette. But even the rawest of muscle cars can use a few accessories.

Q: Just not tonight?

A: Probably not. My guess is that the progressive branch of the coaching staff tried to ease the stat sheet past Miles nonchalantly, sort of like when you have to show dad a bad report card.

Q: But he spotted it?

A: Oh, yeah. It jumps right out at you. Texas Tech ranks No. 125 in the nation in stopping the run — ding! ding! ding! ding! — something like 272 yards per game. Only two teams were run over worse.

Q: So the new offense got put on hold.

A: Would you want Brandon Harris scattershooting with a defense like that waiting? Oh, yeah, he dialed up his inner Bo Schembechler.

Q: Miles eyes must have lit up like they’d brought back the leather helmet?

A: Probably, and only three teams give up more points, almost 43 per game. LSU hasn’t scored more than 19 since October, but Miles probably figures he can top that on a tricycle.

Q: So Miles put the whole revamp on hold?

A: That’s my guess. Can’t you imagine Miles coming across that rushing and scoring nugget … “Hey, really, we’re going to open things up — some day — it’s coming, it’s coming. But just this once more, this is too perfect. Then, I promise, we’ll get right on with the overhaul, but this team is begging to get pounded. Old-school.”

Q: But couldn’t that be dangerous? The Red Raiders score a lot of points.

A: Second in the nation there — 46.6 per game. Treat the scoreboard like a dad gum pinball machine you can tilt.

Q: One of those pop-gun outfits, I presume, spread you out and throw it all over the lot …

A: Wouldn’t know a fullback from a 3-iron. But they do have a running back, D’Andre Washington, with 1,455 yards.

Q: Probably really hurry things up, too.

A: Of course.

Q: I guess Miles wants to play keep away from them, steady dose of Fournette.

A: That’s my guess. Out in Lubbock they’re billing this thing up like Fournette is Godzilla coming to town.

Q: You mentioned the rodeo silliness. What’d the Tigers do Sunday?

A: Went to a bowl-sanctioned scavenger hunt.

Q: They find anything?

A: Not a quarterback.