Revolting choices in Super Bowl

Published 7:42 pm Sunday, January 28, 2018

<p class="p1">As we transition, kicking and screaming, into America’s annual weeklong Super Bowl celebration of the NFL, I think we can all agree that right now the Land of the Free has a Patriots Problem.</p><p class="p1">It’s sort of odd, but it is kind of the same problem that King George III, the pride of merry ol’ England, had with the original Patriots back in the day.</p><p class="p1">They’re annoying, persistent, relentless and mostly winning again while generally throwing tea in the harbor when they weren’t deflating footballs or spying on somebody.</p><p class="p1">Those nation-defining moments of lore, the ones that so baffled the good king, were probably the last times the Patriots were scrappy underdogs.</p><p class="p1">Or lovable. Or even tolerable.</p><p class="p1">They were America’s Team during the Revolutionary War, of course, but frankly they seem to have overstayed their welcome. Their act is wearing a little thin and everybody is just sick to death of them and their monotonous winning.</p><p class="p1">That expansion Patriots team had to win, or else we’d all be stuck over here eating kidney beans and bangers and mash, not to even mention toad in the hole.</p><p class="p1">There was even an implied threat of soccer.</p><p class="p1">So it was a W for the good guys and some grateful palates.</p><p class="p1">If the tuck rule had been in effect then, who knows? </p><p class="p1">But, frankly, the Patriots’ act is growing a little old and head coach Bill Belichick will never be confused with Sam Adams.</p><p class="p1">According to reliable polls, the Patriots have even passed America’s Team — you remember the Dallas Cowboys, huh? — as the universally most hated and annoying football franchise across the Fruited Plain.</p><p class="p1">They must be stopped.</p><p class="p1">America has survived wars, pestilence, famine, even disco. But one more full week of wall-to-wall Belichick news conferences may do us in once and for all.</p><p class="p1">Don’t even bring up the thought of an ageless, way-too-handsome MVP holding the Super Bowl trophy with a doting super model on his arm.</p><p class="p1">Relief, America, we need relief from this.</p><p class="p1">It’s important. It’s also vital.</p><p class="p1">So come next Sunday it will be your patriotic duty to pull against the Patriots and get behind the noble cause of the …</p><p class="p1">Uh, oh. That’s the problem.</p><p class="p1">Really? The Philadelphia Eagles?</p><p class="p1">At least it would be different, but, again, it’s kind of nauseating to go all in.</p><p class="p1">Nothing wrong with the Eagles, at least as far as we know.</p><p class="p1">Recently, they’ve been as anonymous as the Patriots have been smugly ever-present.</p><p class="p1">Seems like a decent enough group of players, bordering on a feel-good story with a quarterback (Nick Something or another, probably Foles) that nobody had ever heard of.</p><p class="p1">The Eagles could be the anti-Patriots in that they’ve never won a Super Bowl.</p><p class="p1">Promising.</p><p class="p1">But come on. It’s still Philadelphia.</p><p class="p1">Not exactly a warm and fuzzy city.</p><p class="p1">The city also had a big hand in us being spared a life of English rag pudding and stargazy pie.</p><p class="p1">It was in Philadelphia, after all, where they signed our Declaration of Independence … and then they spent the rest of the day booing Santa Claus.</p><p class="p1">It’s the city’s claim to football fame.</p><p class="p1">But most of the city’s “quirks” generally would get you 10-20 in other locales.</p><p class="p1">The site of the Super Bowl, Minneapolis, is one cleanest cities in America — also one of the coldest — but a place that wears its inherent Midwestern politeness on its well-bundled sleeve.</p><p class="p1">The good folk therein had a chance to have their Vikings home for the Super Bowl, but have accepted their fate with overall good cheer … and the knowledge that they’d have surely lost the big game anyway. </p><p class="p1">So now these gentle souls are about to be invaded by a gloating Eagles fan base whose own stadium had — until two years ago — a temporary jail on property just to handle the overflow.</p><p class="p1">They know them, some close up from making the trip to Philadelphia last week for the NFC Championship game. Eagles fans were kind enough to remind the pocket of Vikings fans of the ever-widening scoreboard by showering them with beer. </p><p class="p1">For Eagles fans, it’s lately become quite the tradition after a big win — least ways with those who don’t end up in the stadium pokey by halftime — to celebrate postgame by punching police horses right in the nose.</p><p class="p1">So, in reality, there’s not much to pull for in this Super Bowl.</p><p class="p1">My advice, then, would be to pull against the Patriots while not getting emotionally involved with the Philadelphia hooligans.</p><p class="p1">It’s important for America.</p><p class="p1">Also, hope that Minneapolis puts face masks on its police horses.</p><p class="p2">l</p><p class="p3"><strong>Scooter Hobbs</strong> covers LSU athletics. Email him at</p><p class="p3">shobbs@americanpress.com</p>