Who needs Santa when there’s bowl swag to be had?

Published 6:54 am Sunday, December 25, 2016

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">Ah, yes, Christmas morning. The kids are no longer nestled all snug in their beds — they were up at dawn — you’re no longer in your kerchief since they went out of style before leisure suits, and mama wouldn’t be caught dead in a bonnet, at least after Labor Day. There’s already been that great clatter arisen up on the rooftop, hoho-ho, and now the heartwarming scene unfolds in the living room under stockings stuffed with joy, although batteries are not included.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">It all seems worthwhile, doesn’t it, just to see the look on their little cherub faces?

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">From Black Friday to last minute stocking-stuffers from the Dollar General Bowl, yes, suddenly all the traffic jams and hassles and stressed out credit cards seem so totally worthwhile.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">Just look at them.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">Yes, nothing quite says Christmas like when what to your wondering eyes should appear but watching the littles ones frolicking about and taking selfies with their swag, then knocking over your Starbucks iced-vanilla latte while rushing to see who can get theirs on Instagram first.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">You take it all in, this glorious time of the year, recalling those visions of sugar plums dancing in your head, and once again you’re faced with that age-old Christmas question, namely: Does anyone really know what a turtle dove is?

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">Really.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">Has anyone ever actually seen one?

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">According to legend, lore and song (aka, carol), they seem to come on pairs.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">But are they available on Amazon?

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">Are these things turtles that fly or doves that crawl and withdraw?

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">Better yet, for Louisiana’s purposes anyway, are they in season?

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">I gather the limit is two.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">But how well do they fit in a gumbo?

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">For that matter, when’s the last time you ever saw any self-respecting maids a-milking?

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">And I’m even a little suspicious of the whole partridge/pear tree phenomena.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">But cast aside those doubts.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">Mainly, Christmas is that joyous, wonderful time of the year when you gather with your family and brood, almost give thanks (before remembering that was last month), then take pause, and realize that 40 college bowl games is not nearly enough, even with a playoff system as the carrot on the stick at the end.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">If it was, they’d have a game or two to spare us for Christmas Day — whatever happened to the old Blue-Gray game, anyway? — instead of letting the NBA, in a major marketing ploy, hijack the entire day, dawn to midnight, to torture us with their silliness.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">It’s enough to make you want to spring from the bed to see what ’twas the matter, even tear up the shutter, and you’d probably thrown down the sash, too, that is, if you had any clue what a sash was.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">But this, too, will pass. It’s either that or listen to Uncle Earl talk about the good old days of tinsel and pine cones (when those electric trains — or your sister’s Easy Bake oven — never would work right like they did in the Sears catalogue but dad assured you he’d figure it out by New Year’s Day or else St. Nick was gonna be in big trouble).

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">All of this remembrance of joy and peace on Earth, to say nothing of Goodwill Toward Men, was just to set the stage, sort of, for LSU’s appearance in the Buffalo Wild Wings Citrus Bowl against Louisville. This, after all, is a sports page, not a Christmas card.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">Anyway, it turns out Christmas will come a bit late for the LSU Tigers, shortly after they arrive in Orlando on Tuesday night for Friday’s game against Louisville.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">The bowls seem intent on shaming Santa Claus, even though they will force-feed a trip to Disney World on them at 4 p.m. Wednesday (who goes to Magic Mountain at 4 p.m.?)

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">But it’s quite the swag haul for teams involved. To the players it must seem like the good old days when everybody cheated — <span style="font-style: italic;">You mean, I can run into this store and take anything I want?</span>

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">It varies from bowl to bowl, but the NCAA puts a strict limit of $550 worth of goodies that may be passed out to 125 selected team members and support staff.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">In the BWW Citrus Bowl’s case, it starts, of course, with a $25 gift card to Buffalo Wild Wings. That’s appetizers for a college football player, though.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">It’s followed by a pair of ISlide sandals, which I have no idea what is beyond a presumption of footwear, though I’m told they’re quite trendy with the young crowd these days.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">There’s also a Timely Watch watch, which perhaps tells time redundantly.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">Behind Curtain No. 3 there’s the requisite EA Sports video game and then — yell it out, Bob — <span style="font-style: italic;">a new car!</span>

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">No, no, just kidding. No cars. But it is the mac daddy they save for last — yes, a $305 gift card to Best Buy.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">This is where the NCAA is the grinch. There is a catch with the card.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">The gift card must be used up during the team’s official bowl-sponsored (search-andplunder) trip to an unsuspecting Orlando Best Buy store.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">So let me get this straight. You’re going to turn 125 strong and swift college-aged kids loose on a big-box electronics store with $305 to throw away.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">What could go wrong?

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">How many flat screens will be sacrificed in the making of this movie?

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">Better yet, will the LSU and Louisville teams go together?

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">If so, sell tickets. It could be better than the game itself.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">Anyway, Merry Christmas … and to all a good night.

<p class="indent" style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:">l

<p style="color: rgb(74, 73, 73); font-family:"><span style="font-weight: bold;">SCOOTER HOBBS</span> covers LSU athletics. Email him at <span class="text_link link_wrap type_eml" data-link-target="shobbs@americanpress.com" data-link-type="EML" style="cursor: pointer; color: rgb(0, 0, 238); text-decoration: underline; font-weight: bold;">shobbs@americanpress.com</span>

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