Let me just say this up front: There are few things more boring and useless to your well-rounded collegiate experience than football spring games.

Maybe that Philosophy 101 class taken as an elective could put you to sleep quicker.

Still, the forced and often restrained, somewhat obligatory, “excitement” of a spring football game, well, if you’re looking for some soothing background noise for heavy eyelids, it’s tough to beat the nod-off possibilities inherent with a spring game.

About the only better reason for a sure nap would be football … practice.

So that’s what LSU’s football varsity is going to do Saturday to cap its spring drills.

Check that. It’s not even the capper. The Tigers will have two more practices after this grand showcase to do whatever they do behind closed doors.

Anyway, no game today.

No spring game at all this year.

Instead …

Practice. Football practice!

We — me and Allen Iverson in three-part harmony, let’s sing it together— talking about practice!!

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

But, not even a pretense of a game. No TV, no radio, not even statistics.

It’s a growing, copy-cat trend among major colleges, a good excuse in the NCAA transfer portal era to proclaim that they are so important that they can’t risk having any enemy eyes snooping around and maybe taking a liking to some hidden gems on the roster.

At least society as a whole is the beneficiary.

As I understand it, gates will be open and fans are welcome to drop by Tiger Stadium at their leisure, but it’s certainly not mandatory and, rare for LSU, no admission will be collected.

There will even be an autograph session afterwards, but any tailgating would be strictly for social purposes. If that floats your boat, go for it.

Remember, it’s practice. Trust me, you don’t really want to see how the sausage is made.

Just don’t expect any honest football. It’s not real. Call me a traditionalist if you must. For instance, if you wear those surgical gloves to a crawfish boil, you can’t really say that you’re eating crawfish. Not in Louisiana, anyway. Yet it’s becoming epidemic, even back on the bayou. While you’re at it, you might as well call them crawdads, like you’re from Arkansas or some such.

But that’s just me. The old purist.

And there is one dilemma with this spring practice thing. Maybe you’re worried that skipping the whole thing could leave you out of sorts if the water cooler talk turns spring impressions.

Not to worry, it’s easy to fake.

You might, for instance, note that a lot of players seemed to be introducing themselves to one another, a product of the portal when teams seem to roll new teams out of a can every season.

“Those new guys pass the eye test,” you might observe.

But the easiest (laziest) way to show off your keen eye for football flesh on the hoof is to proclaim, “I don’t know how good they’ll be, but one thing that really jumps out at you is how much more speed across the board they have.”

LSU has never really lacked for speed, so it wouldn’t be a startling development, but it’s impossible to disprove and will likely get you a nod of approval for your keen insight.

A sure-fire tactic to show your bona fides is to come back with insights from both trenches.

Most of your buddies are too busy watching the skill positions to contradict your expertise, so feel free to wing it.

Whether paying attention or not, everybody knows it’s up front, both sides, that matters.

It’s even more of a talking point this year for LSU since four of last year’s five offensive line starters have to replaced, with several of the portal transfers in the mix.

Word on the street is that none of the transfers have yet to crack the starting five, but show off your inside info by noting that you expect that to change by the fall.

Another easy one is to proclaim that the defensive grunts will be far more aggressive under line coach Kyle Williams.

Bigger, too.

But the real key on defense will be the secondary, which you also expect will lean heavily on portal reinforcements for improvement.

There’s no quarterback question, of course, not with Garrett Nussmeier back, but you might wonder if Michael Van Buren, a shifty transfer from Mississippi State, might force the coaches to find something for him to do.

It’s still LSU, and the Tigers will never run out of wide receivers, so no need to remind your buddies of anything flashy there.

You might want to provide updates on Trey’Dez Green, the tight end/redzone weapon who came on strong at the end of last season. He’s hard to miss at 6-foot-7.

Suggested observation there: “He’s almost tall enough to join that LSU pitching staff.”

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Scooter Hobbs covers LSU athletics. Email him at scooter.hobbs@americanpress.com