Your honor, if it so please the court, we would like to call the defendant, Coach Brian Kelly of LSU, to the stand.

So granted. Please state the charges, which as I understand it, will henceforth be referred as the “narrative,” in this case an instance where Kelly and his Tigers did not beat Nicholls State by enough points or with proper dominance to satisfy a fan base already edgy from a season-opening loss.

The fans are asking for mental anguish damages as they fret about the opening of the Southeastern Conference schedule this week at South Carolina.

Yes, your honor, the narrative, so to speak, mostly in the form of the media, which has turned a 44-21 victory in a big pile of meh.

You may swear the witness in.

Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and avoid any weak excuses?

Let the record show that Coach Kelly has nodded affirmatively.

Coach Kelly, can you explain why your team looked so, shall we say, mediocre Saturday night?

“That’s simply not the case.”

But that’s not what you said right after the game Saturday. Did you not sound almost apologetic?

“The great part is we get an opportunity to spend seven hours dissecting film with our staff … and there were a lot more good things that happened in that game than I was able to a articulate right after the game.”

Would you care to elaborate?

“We had a number of first-time players step up and play really good ball for us. I feel a whole lot better than I did Saturday night.”

So what is your problem with the game narrative?

“Most important was this sense that we were out-physicaled …”

Is out-physicaled a word? Never mind. Pardon the interruption. Continue …

“That simply wasn’t the case from an offensive standpoint. I felt a whole lot better … after I went home for dinner Sunday night.”

But, as understand it, you only rushed for 64 yards against an FCS team.

“There’s no sense here (that) our offensive line is not physical enough or can’t knock people off the ball when we needed to. We did that.”

I repeat: 64 yards rushing. That doesn’t sound like a very physical offensive line.

“If they protect like they have— and we haven’t given up a sack in two games — and let Garrett Nussmeier throw the ball … we have great receivers and we’ll beat you that way.”

Can’t believe I’m saying this on behalf of LSU fans, who have never complained that the Tigers threw the ball too much, but would you not agree that you need more than 64 yards on the ground? You ran only three times in the first quarter, only five in the second.

“We threw the ball because they were in seven- and eight-man fronts …”

Objection, your honor, witness is making excuses.

Overruled. You may answer.

“We were not going to run into extra hats, extra defenders, just to flex and say ‘We’re bigger guys.’

“We’re going to do … the most appropriate thing. That’s why Garrett Nussmeier leads the country in touchdown passes and is throwing at 75 percent.”

So are you saying this whole narrative of “can’t run the ball” is driven by the media?

“I don’t think it has anything to do with the media. This has to do with how teams have defended us — they don’t want us to run the football.”

But haven’t you built your career on balanced offenses.? What are you telling Joe Sloan, who I believe is your offensive coordinator?

“I told Joe I do not want this to be about we have to run it to show everybody we’re big and bad.”

So offensive balance isn’t important?

“If South Carolina comes out with three down (linemen), plays cover 2 (deep), I guarantee you we’re running. But when there’s eight at the line of scrimmage … what sense does it make? In those situations, we’ll pick our spots.”

Now, about your defensive physicality …

“We got some young guys out there that are learning on the fly.”

Objection, your honor. Excuses.

Sustained. Jury will disregard youth against a Nicholls team. Continue.

“Excuse me, but we were aggressive up front.”

You were outgained rushing 150-64, am I correct, including a 67-yard run right up the middle?

“Hats off to them. (But) after the big play I thought our defense did a great job … we held them to 86 yards on their final five possessions.”

True, but if you take away the 26-yard snap over the punters head for a safety, which counts against rushing yards, it’s actually 176 yards rushing for the Colonels.

“Nicholls was a lot like a lot of games I played at Notre Dame against Navy — It’s a difficult offense to defend. It’s ball control. If you don’t know your gap responsibility and leverage them the right way, you’re going to give up a big play. They were able to milk that the first couple of drives.”

The witness may step down.

Has the jury come to a verdict?

That will come Saturday morning in South Carolina.