BATON ROUGE — As season-openers go, it’s pretty hard to figure a way LSU’s could have played out much better than it did Saturday night.

Maybe the beer that flowed throughout Tiger Stadium for the first time could have been given away for free.

Valet parking, perhaps.

Otherwise it was a bad night for nay-sayers and the chronic bitchers.

That’s kind of our job in the media, so this is a frustrating day.

Most of us are at a loss for words.

Oh, everybody had been warned well in advance.

This was going to be different. Really not just a different kind of offense, a totally different philosophy. Unlike anything seen around Tiger Stadium before. Just trust them, they said.

Or, as new passing game coordinator Joe Brady said often during the build-up, “Get popcorn.”

Well, what do you know. Popcorn goes good with beer, even at eight bucks a pour.

Head coach Ed Orgeron and the Tigers weren’t crying wolf.

OK, they meant it this time. Time to join the 21st Century with an offense not running on steam power and buggy whips, mostly off-tackle.

But those who weren’t downright skeptical ­­— they’d heard it all before, after all — were probably telling themselves in advance to be patient.

The final score, LSU 55, Georgia Southern 3, wasn’t all that important.

LSU has won games by more, even against better teams.

But … not quite like this.

Usually, they’d fiddle-daddle around for two or three quarters, maybe tidy up the scoreboard at the end, maybe not.

Not with this offense. On a 90-degree night, you’d have thought the Tigers would at least break a sweat.

But this was Happy Hour from start to finish.

LSU needed only six plays — zip-zip-zip-zip-zip-zip — to score the season’s first touchdown.

The Tiger Stadium crowd edged forward in their seats.

By the time the Tigers scored touchdowns on the first five possessions they were giggly-giddy in the buy-in process.

It’s just not supposed to be that easy.

Is it as simple as drawing up a whole slew of new ball plays?

Maybe. But were there no kinks to work out of this new-fangled contraption?

Maybe not.

It was like they bought the thing off of a late night informercial and, lo and behold, it did just what it said it would do.

Shouldn’t there be some kinks to work out of this thing?

Apparently not.

It was like buying a new lawn mower that started on the first crank.

The Tigers hooked a up new printer to a fancy new p.c. and had it work flawlessly out of the box without once having to backtrack and maybe, you know, read the foreign instructions.

One season they’re wrestling with  a tangled, knotted garden hose; the next frame the new toy straightens itself out and coils itself up for easy storage.

Plug and play.

Voilà!

New offense. All football problems solved. Bring on Bama. Or Texas, anyway.

Dang, was it really that easy all along? What took them so long?

Crank this baby up and by halftime Joe Burrow has tied the school record with five touchdown passes.

Let other teams struggle with the opening-game sloppiness, an epidemic across much of the football landscape this weekend.

“We could have done whatever we wanted to out there,” Orgeron said.

Neat, clean and efficient.

Such notable survivors of the old regime as Leonard Fournette and Derrius Guice were all over Twitter as it unfolded, begging for a chance to come back and get a turn on this thrill ride.

They might have to stand in line.

In one game LSU had 14 different receivers catch passes — as many as caught one all of last season. There were seven different running backs with rushes. Fournette’s younger brother, Lanard, scored the last touchdown.

“We have athletes,” Orgeron said, “and we want to give them the ball in space.”

What a concept, huh?

Just a long time coming to LSU.

Of course, maybe it’s at this point that some spoil-sport needs to step in and point out that the Tigers will face far tougher competition during the season. And that’s true, although Georgia Southern did win 10 games last season.

But, again, refer to the late-night infomercial.

What? You mean there’s more?

Oh, yes. Orgeron said the Tigers just scratched the surface of what this new offense can do.  Didn’t have to do much more.

For one thing, Burrow ran only once — a quarterback sneak to pick up a first down — and the run-pass option will supposedly utilize his legs extensively.

So look forward to that.

Not sure LSU fans could have handled much more Saturday night anyway.

 

 

LSU quarterback Joe Burrow (9) throws in the first quarter of the team’s NCAA football game against Georgia Southern in Baton Rouge, La., Saturday, Aug. 31, 2019. Burrow tied an LSU single-game record with five touchdown passes before halftime. (AP Photo/Michael Democker)

Michael Democker