Courting begins after heads roll
Published 7:00 pm Wednesday, November 29, 2017
<p class="p1">So this is what happens when virtually every Southeastern Conference school decides to fire its coach at once.</p><p class="p1">The possibilities are: endless.</p><p class="p1">The final result is: chaos, pure and unadulterated.</p><p class="p1">All these schools — frankly, I’ve lost count — have done the dirty deed and run off good, bad and indifferent coaches.</p><p class="p1">At the end of the day, you take stock of what you’ve done, take a deep breath and say:</p><p class="p1">“Now what?”</p><p class="p1">It turns out it’s not so easy in a sellers’ market.</p><p class="p1">No doubt some of the prime candidates are surveying the SEC carnage, tuning in to the “The Paul Finebaum Show,” and deciding: “Not even in a million a years. Do I look stupid? That’s an insane asylum.”</p><p class="p1">But, trust me, somebody will eventually take all these jobs.</p><p class="p1">The conference will have to debut the SEC Network II for the schools to pay off all the buyouts.</p><p class="p1">But all of these jobs will eventually get filled.</p><p class="p1">So let’s take a quick look around the conference and assess the damage. </p><p class="p1">We go first to Knoxville, a place that sent everybody scrambling to the dictionary to look up the word “vetted,” and where our correspondent Herbert Morrison is on the scene …</p><p class="p1"><em>“They’ve dropped ropes out of the nose of the ship now … The back motors of the ship are just holding it just, just enough to keep it from — IT BURST INTO FLAMES! IT’S FIRE! — and it’s crashing! It’s crashing terrible! …”</em></p><p class="p1">Maybe we’ll wait for the kiddies to go to bed before finishing that report.</p><p class="p1">But now we check in at Gainesville where …</p><p class="p1">Florida got no better than its third choice as head coach (Chip Kelly got an inside tip that, rare for the state, there are no beaches in Gainesville), but when the smoke clears the Gators might be the happiest of all these schools.</p><p class="p1">Dan Mullen’s long-running, Tony Award-winning performance at Mississippi State, which got rave reviews for almost convincing fans that he really enjoyed living in Starkville, has finally come to end. He’s returning to Florida, where he served as an assistant coach from 2005-08.</p><p class="p1">If nothing else, Mullen will cure the Gators’ chronic quarterback conundrum, no matter if he finds one or has to mold one from raw clay.</p><p class="p1">So, let’s check in now from whence he fled the Starkpatch, where Mississippi State …</p><p class="p1">The Bulldogs are used to Lucy yanking the football away just when the kick is lined up perfectly. It wasn’t a shock that Mullen left, but it did seem to happen a little quickly.</p><p class="p1">Mississippi State will hire somebody’s coordinator and learn to live with it, and like it. That’s just the way those Cowbells toll.</p><p class="p1">So let’s try again in Knoxville for an update …</p><p class="p1"><em>“Oh, my, get out of the way, please! It’s burning and bursting into flames, and the — and it’s falling on the mooring mast and all the folks agree that this is terrible, this is one of the worst catastrophes in the world.”</em></p><p class="p1">OK, seem to be having to some technical difficulties there in Knoxville.</p><p class="p1">So let’s go to the Walmart Corridor for this look-in on Arkansas …</p><p class="p1">The Razorbacks surely had the most awkward, ham-fisted firing of the bunch, but are in the all-important stage of the “search” where, having realized what they’ve done, they sit around and ponder things by contemplating their navel.</p><p class="p1">Arkansas may end up with navel lint as its next head coach.</p><p class="p1">Who knew Auburn might beat Alabama and keep native son Gus Malzahn occupied?</p><p class="p1">So let’s have a quick look-see in Baton Rouge …</p><p class="p1"><em>’Fraid oot be aww qwuiet heahbouts, buddy. Geauxgrrrr Ti-gahs!</em></p><p class="p1">Say what? OK. Well, that’s odd for LSU not to be getting in the middle of this chaos. But let’s try again over in Knoxville where …</p><p class="p1"><em>“It’s–it’s–it’s the flames … oh, four- or five-hundred feet into the sky and it … it’s a terrific crash, ladies and gentlemen. It’s smoke, and it’s flames now …”</em></p><p class="p1">Maybe we can get back to that developing story later. Meanwhile in Oxford where …</p><p class="p1">Considering the circumstances, Ole Miss probably did the right thing in just taking the “interim” tag off Matt Luke. Certainly, it was the safe move. And it didn’t hurt that he did just beat Mississippi State. And if it doesn’t work out, they can get back in the line next year when they know how harsh the NCAA sanctions are going to be.</p><p class="p1">Maybe now it’s safe to take another peak at Knoxville. Herman, are you there? Herman? Come in …</p><p class="p1"><em>“… and the frame is crashing to the ground, not quite to the mooring mast. Oh, the humanity and all the passengers screaming around here. I told you, I can’t even talk to people whose friends are on there. Ah! It’s–it’s–it’s–it’s … o–ohhh! I–I can’t talk, ladies and gentlemen. Honest, it’s just laying there, a mass of smoldering wreckage.”</em></p><p class="p1">Maybe we’ll try back at Knoxville a bit later.</p><p class="p1">So on to College Station, where Texas A&M has fired Kevin Sumlin.</p><p class="p1">Apparently you can split SEC fans into two (somewhat delusional) groups — there are those who think Jon Gruden is walking in that door and those who think that Jimbo Fisher is leaving Florida State for them.</p><p class="p1">The Aggies are in the latter group. But good luck with that.</p><p class="p1">So back to Knoxville again …</p><p class="p1"><em>“Ah! And everybody can hardly breathe and talk, and the screaming. Lady, I … I’m sorry. Honest, I … I can hardly breathe.”</em></p><p class="p1">Stay safe, Herman. Now for Auburn …</p><p class="p1">Auburn just beat Alabama, supposedly keeping the Malzahn regime intact. But we have an observation. If Malzahn was interested in his home place before beating Alabama, if he loses the SEC championship game, there won’t be anything really pressing keeping him in Auburn. Just a thought.</p><p class="p1">OK, one last look at Knoxville …</p><p class="p1"><em>“I–I’m going to step inside where I cannot see it. That’s terrible. Ah, ah—I can’t. I … listen, folks, I … I’m gonna have to stop for a minute because I’ve lost my voice. This is the worst thing I’ve ever witnessed.”</em></p><p class="p1">Stay tuned, Herman. It’s not over yet. Tennessee might just be the prelims.</p><p class="p2">l</p><p class="p3"><strong>Scooter Hobbs</strong> covers LSU athletics. Email him at</p><p class="p3">shobbs@americanpress.com</p>
