SEC starts job creation program

Published 3:01 pm Wednesday, July 19, 2017

HELP WANTED: University of Alabama football program.

JOB OPENING: Hold-back Administrator.

JOB DESCRIPTION: Work in tandem with Get Back Administrator to save Nick Saban from himself.

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Thick skin, extreme chutzpah, able to make split-second career decisions; suicidal premonitions a plus.

EXPECTED SALARY: Throw out a figure, any ol’ figure, try all the money in the world — it won’t be enough.

Actually, if comments from last week’s SEC Media Days mean anything, more than one school will be in the market for some sort of sideline administrator this fall.

Saban is the only one, thus far, who has voiced the need to open up an entire new job market. Of course he and “The Process” leave little to chance and, since he’s often copied, this could end up being a boon to the nation’s unemployment rolls.

It was kind of a surprise story line in Hoover, Alabama.

But, in a shocking development, it came to light that, due to a rule change this year, coaches will be assessed a 15-yard penalty if they leave the sideline — enter the field of play — for the purpose of arguing with an official.

They always could get flagged, of course, although it usually took quite an epic meltdown as they pushed the envelope.

But this year it’s automatic.

Unsportsmanlike conduct.

Zero tolerance.

No warning.

Non-negotiable.

No leeway.

No questions asked.

No weighing the degree or creativity of the profanity.

It doesn’t matter if any of the famed magic words are directed toward said official or not.

If they’re arguing, even peacefully, and if they’re on the field of play, it’s 15 yards.

“Our hope,” said SEC coordinator of officials Steve Shaw, “is our coaches adjust, and it becomes a nonissue.

“The goal is not the flag coaches, not in any way. The goal is to change coaching behavior.”

Well.

As you can well imagine it sent shock waves through the coaching profession.

The Hold Back Administrator job will be a new take on the Get Back Administrator, which is surely one of the most thankless, least appreciated and most ignored jobs in all of football.

Every team has one. He’s the nameless guy pacing up and down the sideline like an assistant principal on after-school bus patrol, constantly yelling at players and others to get back from the edge of the sideline.

They spend a lot of time talking to themselves.

Now they — or somebody — will have to control the head coach too, be it by head lock, handcuffs or stepover armlock camel clutch.

“We’ve always had a get-back coach,” Saban said. “Now we think we may need more than one.”

There’s your opening.

Any takers?

Do you really want to be the guy whose job description is to grab Nick Saban, the Greatest of all Time (GOAT), and hold onto him around the waist every time he gets angry and takes a step forward?

Forget what Saban may have told you during the training process — and if it’s anything like the rest of The Process at Alabama, the training will be intensive enough to cover every possible scenario.

In the heat of the moment, does he really want some glorified go-fer tackling him on the sideline?

Do you want to be that guy?

Saban probably isn’t even the most likely offender here, although the Big 12 no doubt relished the idea that the film it used as a demonstration at its own media days this week featured the Alabama coach as a prime example of stepping over the line.

And your job, should you decide to accept it, is to defy Saban and stand up to him, in public, in the state of Alabama.

Good luck with that.

Just a hunch, but the Tide better keep several replacement names on file. It’s going to be a revolving door.

Size isn’t the major problem with Saban, although the spunk could be an issue. 

The Big 12 also used Arkansas’ Bret Bielema as a handy example, and he has quite a bit more bulk to push around.

LSU’s Ed Orgeron is reformed now, but has some Cajun barroom brawls in a past life. No guarantee he won’t have a flashback in the heat of the moment.

South Carolina’s Will Muschamp might be the scariest combination of size, strength and wild-eyed rage out there.

But it’s a job somebody’s got to do.

“If we didn’t have some sort of tolerance for that kind of behavior (in the past),” Saban said, “maybe we wouldn’t need a rule like this, which is really sort of a sledgehammer.”

Sledgehammer?

If I’m the Alabama HBA, I’m bringing one to work.

Scooter Hobbs covers LSU

athletics. Email him at

shobbs@americanpress.com