Improv Week in Hoover mercifully ends

Published 6:41 pm Sunday, July 16, 2017

One of the hottest rumors at SEC Media Days in Hoover, Alabama — one that nobody but the media cares about — is that the massive affair might be moving to a new staging ground next year.

Nashville, Atlanta, even Dallas, have been mentioned.

I think it would be a big mistake, but you’re probably not in the media so I won’t bore you with the details.

After sitting through 14 coaches in four days, after staying awake while at least three entire depth charts were recited verbatim, after tiptoeing down the madness of radio row and after almost convincing a naïve Alabama fan that I was Nick Saban, I have come to one conclusion.

Yes, Hoover seems to have lost some of its pizzazz.

But it’s not the Birmingham suburb’s fault.

There’s nothing wrong with SEC Media Days that bringing back Steve Spurrier, Mark Richt, Les Miles and maybe an annual wild card like Vanderbilt Unknown Comic Robbie Caldwell couldn’t cure.

Especially Spurrier, whose can’t-help-myself, wisecracking appearances were always the main event, must-see entertainment.

But they’re not walking through that door.

And, as several coaches noted while trudging through their two-deep, you just don’t replace that kind of talent overnight.

You can only hope to contain it.

No, sorry, that’s another cliché’s punch line.

But, anyway, it still being way too far out from the season to worry about a long snapper -— yes, Ole Miss’ Hugh Freeze went there — here in this fox hole we will once again attempt to rank the coaches on pure entertainment value.

Which is what Hoover is, or should be, all about.

True, no one will remember their Hoover performances in November, when trinkets like wins and losses take center stage.

But, for now, it’s all we’ve got.

So, keeping in mind that this wasn’t the assorted coaches’ finest week, let’s get started, worst to first.

Kirby Smart, Georgia: OK, I lied when I said I never nodded off once during the entire week. Smart plays that old-school, no-nonsense card a little too cautiously.

Gus Malzahn, Auburn: Tough case to crack. Malzahn is supposedly off the hot seat, but only because everyone assumes a new quarterback is going to lead Auburn to great glory. He may have come 1 second from getting fired last year — the LSU game — yet if he said anything memorable, I missed it.

Mark Stoops, Kentucky: Honestly, I don’t remember anything he said good or bad, and I’m pretty sure I was there. That’s not a good thing.

Barry Odom, Missouri: Odom has potential if, but for now — when he’s up there — writers still keep looking at each other asking, “Missouri is in the SEC?”

Ed Orgeron, LSU: Based solely on this week, Coach “O” could be ranked even lower. But I know he can do better, expect him to do better. I’ve seen him do better. Please, for the love of Les Miles, check that depth chart at the door and be your Cajun self. We get it, you’re not the same coach who bombed at Ole Miss.

Kevin Sumlin, Texas A&M: As the only coach whose athletic director confirmed his hot-seat status, Sumlin handled those questions fairly well. He’s well-spoken. But of all the coaches who say how “happy I am to be here,” none seems to mean it less.

Hugh Freeze, Ole Miss: Tempted to give him a pass as, with the NCAA sanctions hanging over him, nobody had a tougher chore standing up in front of one of the free world’s largest media gatherings. Did about as well as he could. Nobody was really expecting him to fire volley back at former coach Houston Nutt’s lawsuit.

Butch Jones, Tennessee: May or may not be on the hot seat, but seems to have made strides since last year when he was warming up to the notion — maybe a little too much —that the Vols were the odds-on pick to win the East.

Dan Mullen, Mississippi State: Even as he threatens to become the dean of SEC coaches — only Nick Saban has been around longer — it’s hard not to look at Mullen and not think of Cousin Eddie in the National Lampoon vacation movies. But he kind of grows on you.

Derek Mason, Vanderbilt: It’s not just because he’s from Vanderbilt and nobody takes his long-term vision of SEC relevance seriously, but it’s hard to watch and listen to Mason and not pull for him. He’s just so dadgum sincere about it all. It pours from every pore in his body. Gets extra points for not using academics as a crutch. And, for what it’s worth, the Commodores are improving on the field.

Jim McElwain, Florida: Of all the coaches, McElwain comes across as the one who’s not afraid to be caught relaxing and occasionally having fun. It comes through on the podium, Still curious, though, why he didn’t turn the “riding-the-shark” internet hoax into more of a funny-funny instead of anger.

Will Muschamp, South Carolina: Easily the most pleasant surprise. A year away definitely did him some good. He was far better than during his short stay at Florida. Got extra points for taking digs at questioners.

Nick Saban, Alabama: Not much of a song-and-dance man, but when the SEC’s E.F. Hutton enters the room, everybody listens. He usually makes perfect sense when discussing any college football issue.

Bret Bielema, Arkansas: Was his usual aw-shucks, self-deprecating self despite arriving less than 48 hours into his first foray into fatherhood. Seems to really enjoy himself. His story on accidentally “butt-dialing” Commissioner Greg Sankey shortly after the birth was a beauty.

Scooter Hobbs covers LSU

athletics. Email him at

shobbs@americanpress.com